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The W Roader

History of the W Road Cave

The W Road Cave was first discovered and explored by Hank Moon in the late 1970's. The Moon Expedition, however, did find traces of earlier explorers, including Andrew Jackson, George Washington and Christopher Columbus. The latter's signature has been authenticated by its accompanying date: 1492.

The first map of the cave produced by the 1979 Moon Expedition is now known to be a bit exaggerated, Moon Expedition Map showing many miles of passage in the upper cave alone. The cave's famous six foot pit was measured at 145 feet, a discrepancy which haunts the expedition to this day. Still, the map remains a valuable reference for modern explorers.

Did the Moon Expedition actually achieve its highly publicized goal of following the cave down to the center of the earth? Moon maintains to this day that compass readings did indicate that the center of the earth was reached, i.e., the compass began pointing directly upward. Some historians now doubt this claim, pointing to Moon's personal diary of the trip as evidence. If Moon did reach the center of the earth, then why does his diary make so little of the event? On the day in question, July 22, 1979, his only entry is, "Center of Earth reached. Tater Log supplies running low."

Had sufficient Tater Logs been available, Moon later claimed, the expedition might have been able to continue all the way down to China. The China Passage has since been lost. Moon, fearful of flooding America with cheap Oriental goods, sealed the passage upon his exit, and no one has been able to find it since.

Membership Up, Says Moon

Response to the Club's membership drive has been remarkable, according to Club President Hank Moon.

"I imagine we now have over 100 members," Moon remarked. "Luckily, I have a very good imagination."

Moon and his expert staff are working hard to tap new members. "We've sent letters designed to appeal to the right wing," Moon says. "We've sent letters designed to appeal to the left wing. We've sent letters that appeal to no wing at all. We even have a prototype in the works to win over the most obstinate non-joiner: the Semi-Automatic Repeating Chain Letter."

Just My Opinion

by William "Rollo" Bellows
There is a growing problem in this country and it threatens the very foundations of democracy. That's right. I'm talking about teenage literacy.

Fact: Over one million teenagers a year are finding themselves suddenly and unexpectedly thrown into a cage called teenage literacy. Who will these desperate children turn to? Their parents? Their teachers? Or will they turn to a life of Redbook, Soap Opera Digest and Harlequin Romances?

These kiddies weren't looking for trouble. Sure, reading seemed harmless at first. But nobody told them about the hidden consequences, the fine print to follow: a life changed forever, with no turning back. The next thing you know, they'll start reading newspapers and making their own newfangled decisions. They'll find out they can vote. And America will go right down a drain already clogged with hairs from teenagers who failed to get a proper haircut.

Education is obviously not the solution. That's how these girls got in this mess in the first place. Ladies and Gents, we're losing our edge in this world and it's all because we haven't yet stood up to face America's number one source of shame. Say it aloud, in collective shame:

Teenage literacy!

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