W Road Cave Connected to Cement PlanRumored sources have confirmed the existence of a previously unknown passage which leads to the Signal Mountain Cement Plant on Suck Creek Road.
The discovery was reported to authorities by Beth Elliot, an expert source of cave rumors. "When this kid started telling me about the new passage," Elliot told The W Roader, "I knew right away it was real important. I tried to get the details from him, but he ran away."
"Beth's Passage," as it has been named, is a relatively minor discovery by W Road standards--the passage is estimated to be only two miles long. Survey crews are expected to start work as soon as the secret location of the passage is formally unveiled.
Bark Worth the Byte, Says Bellows
The W Road Cave Fan Club is grateful to Creative Canines Corporation for donating a copy of their top-of-the-line word processor, WORD DOG, for use in producing The W Roader.
"I make no bones about it," says William "Rollo" Bellows, Editor. "This is seat-of-the-pants, state-of-the-art software. If you're using any other program, you're barking up the wrong tree."
Where We StandAs an unregistered environmental activist organization recognized by no current government, the W Road Cave Fan Club takes strong positions on issues of environmental importance. While we may lack the "monkeywrenching" expertise of such radical groups as Earth First! and Cows for Peace, we aren't short on opinions:
- Acid Rain: The W Road Cave Fan Club is strongly in favor of acid rain, which will greatly increase the rate of solution in the cave and open up many new and exciting passages.
- The Green House Effect: The Club goes on record as being indifferent to the Green House Effect. Frankly, we feel that what color you paint your house is your own business.
- Abolition: Of course we stand firmly in favor of abolition! Frankly, we don't understand how this issue can even be debated. Wasn't this all settled a hundred years ago? What's the Supreme Court trying to do, fight the Civil War all over again?
- Eight Track Tapes: The W Road Cave Fan Club supports House Resolution 914-B, asking all Americans to turn in their cartridges and players during the proposed National Eight Track Amnesty Day, June 1.
Who's responsible? I'm talking about the lack of public interest in our cause.
The problem, my friends, is a news media that is controlled not by advertisers, not by the American people, not by the Pope...but instead by the ruthless Nazi real estate developers who would have you believe that the W Road Cave is insignificant. I'm talking big time conspiracy, folks.
Does the fabled "China Passage" in W Road Cave actually exist? I believe it does. This connection, which makes W Road Cave the longest and deepest cave in the world, gives the cave international significance. In addition, rumored evidence proves that the W Road Cave also connects with the Lost Dutchman Mine in Arizona. The vein of gold in that legendary mine is worth millions to the lucky explorer who finds the secret passage.
What a story! But do you
see it on page one of U.S.A Today? Does Dan Rather jet down for an
on-the-spot report? Does Barbara Walters interview other celebrities for
their opinions on the cave? Sadly, she does not.
W Roaders of the world, unite! Together we must rise and crush this conspiracy of silence!
Insects: Worth the Risk?by William "Rollo" Bellows
Killer bees from Brazil threaten our borders. Children scream as they are attacked by red ants. Cockroaches dart across kitchen counters. Every day, in every city, town, and backyard in the nation, Americans are falling victim to insects. But this battle is more than simply one of Man versus Nature. The victims of insects are the victims of an administration which refuses to admit that the War on Bugs cannot be won.
The National Yard Guard can't do it alone, men. We've got to fight this one on every corner of every street. So slap a mosquito the next time you see one. Step on that beetle. Teach your kids to pull the wings off flies.
America, let's not take it lying down. They may have us outnumbered. They may be quicker than us. They may be smarter than us. But they haven't whipped us yet.
Let's put our foot down once and for all. Let's put an end to the insect menace.
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