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The Chert Song

To the tune of The Beverly Hillbillies

Come and listen to a story
'bout a rock named Chert
You trust that stuff
you'll end up in the dirt.

'Cause Chert is a rock
God put here as a joke
And not as a place
to rig a caver's rope.

Chert, that is.
Black gold! Texas turd!

Well he went to the pit
And he rigged it real good
He backed up his knots
like every caver should.

But he made one mistake
And that's how he got hurt
He rigged his rope
To a whole bunch of Chert.

That's Chert, I say,
Broken bones, lots o'scars.

Lyrics copyright 1993 by the
W Road Cave Fan Club, Inc.
Used with permission.

The W Roader

President Unveils Economic Package

After months of speculation, Club President Hank Moon recently unveiled a package designed to stimulate the economy, put America back to work, and provide valuable nutrients to W Road cavers.

The package, when opened, contained a six-pack of tater logs, three packets of ketchup, and assorted napkins.

Unfortunately, President Moon vanished mysteriously soon after, taking the tater logs with him. While some reports have placed him in Mexico, club insiders now believe that he has been abducted, once again, by UFO's.

Club Officer Impeached, Family Disgraced

William "Rollo" Bellows, a charter member and high-ranking officer of the W Road Cave Fan Club, has been stripped of his powers in a special ceremony outside Club Headquarters.

After opening the program with a warm welcome to all members and guests, President Hank Moon ripped all club insignia from Bellow's uniform. Moon then took a sword and attempted to break it over his knee.

"The doctors say I should have full use of my leg again in a few months," Moon later told reporters. "Next time, I'll make sure I keep the sharp end up."

Bellows stands accused of negligence in carelessly discarding official club mail sent to his address. In testimony, he freely admitted that he failed to forward club mail to the proper officials. "I get a lot of stuff for the club," he said. "I just throw it away. I don't know why that junk even comes to me, anyway."

Officials say that changing the club address would be confusing and troublesome. Instead, Bellows and his family are to be removed from their home and a new resident installed, one more sensitive to the importance of club mail. In the meantime, members who never received a reply to inquiries or letters can rest easy knowing the culprit has been apprehended.

Complete Text of President's Remarks

"My fellow members, thank you for being with us on this special occasion. I especially want to express my gratitude to Rollo and Janet Bellows for hosting this gathering. Janet, the cake and cookies are wonderful!"


"Now to the business at hand. Rollo, if you will kindly step forward and stand in disgrace. (Pause) Thank you, Rollo. I will now rip all club insignia from your uniform. (Pause) What? We have no club insignia? Just the t-shirt? Well, then, I believe this portion of the program is complete."


I will now break this sword over my knee, symbolizing the complete and utter separation about to occur between you and your fellow club members. I raise the sword! I bring it down upon my knee! AAAAH! ARRRGGH! Would someone please call an ambulance? (Pause) Thank you."



President Hank Moon called the meeting to order and requested that the minutes of the previous meeting be read. Since there have been no recent meetings, no minutes were forthcoming.

Trip reports: There have been no trips by members of the Club in recent history.

President Moon noted that the W Road (the road, not the cave) had been closed on occasions due to ice and snow. Had any members wished to visit the cave, access would have been difficult.

There being no other business, the meeting was adjourned.

Rescue Squad Formed

"Rescue fever" has gripped the Club with the formation of a special W Road Cave Rescue Squad.

"We haven't actually had a rescue at the W yet," Chief Hank Moon says. "But geologists tell us there is a 90 percent probability of a major rescue, at least an 8.0 on the Curry Scale, within the next fifty years. When it comes, we'll be ready!"

Unfortunately, club geologists are unable or unwilling to predict the exact date of the impending rescue. "Most of the team is fairly young," Moon says. "We'll still be spry enough to act, even if we have to wait the full fifty years."

Stop Tree Bigotry!

Through the ages, cavers have relied upon trees for food, shelter, and rig points. Yet Man, who always destroys the ones he loves, is a slow learner. Even today, here are those among us who by fear or simple ignorance are tree bigots.

Are you one of the enlightened, or a tree bigot? To find out, take this test of tree awareness.

  1. You are at a cocktail party when you hear the host remark, "If you've seen one tree, you've seen them all!" How do you react to this anti-tree generalization?
    • Ignore the remark and feel great shame later.
    • Throw the bum out on the street.
    • Disagree politely but firmly, seeking to enlighten rather than argue
  2. There is unrest in the forest. Therre is trouble with the trees. The maples want more sunlight but the oaks ignore their pleas.
    • Leave the forest immediately.
    • Keep all trees equal by hatchet, axe, and saw.
    • Plant Kudzu.
  3. A tree falls over in the woods. Is there a sound?
    • No, unless there are other trees to hear it.
    • Yes, probably the sound of a chainsaw.
    • Yes, a cry of pain from the collective tree consciousness. When one tree falls, we all fall.
These are the facts:
  • Man has always been envious of trees. Why? Trees grow taller, live longer, and are able to convert sunlight into energy.
  • Trees are alive. Many people do not realize that trees, like all plants, have needs and desires. Some but by no means all trees are Mohoganous. Others lead what we humans would consider a rather wild existence.
  • Trees are interesting. More interesting than some people we know.
  • The view is better from a tree. Want to see over a hill? Try climbing a tree. Want to drop rocks on trespassers? Do it from a tree.


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